From "Newsnight" daily e-mail

[FetchingHag]

I get the daily email about a Brit program called Newsnight and at
the end of each they include a joke, often to fit what's happening in
the news.  Today's is about universities - and Will is mentioned in
the St. Andrews part (heehee).

Today's Joke fit For A Nine Year Old has metamorphosed (for one day
only) into a joke fit for a 19 year old. It is from Will Trugeon-
Smith, who clearly has some scores to settle with the entire field of
tertiary education - so here goes:

How Many Students Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb at:

Aberystwyth: None - Most of them are still sleeping in the basketball
court following housing shortages.

St. Andrews: Three - One to call the butler and two to arrange a
tailor in Rome to design and make new suits for the special occasion.
If a light bulb in a major building blows then increase to 27 to
allow for a brass band playing the last post and five Sun reporters.
The following day's Sun will contain something along the lines
of "Will's Pals in Blown Bulb Horror".

Aston: None - And stay down, they shoot at the lights, that's why the
last one went.

Bath: Seven - Five to form a radical new initiative called 'TeamBulb
Focus', one to make a public announcement stating "A successful
environment is not about pushing yourself to the absolute limit" and
one to change the light bulb before it's actually blown.

Birmingham: Nine - One to steal a new bulb from the back of a shop,
two for the wheelmen and six to go shoot out all the light bulbs in
some Aston student houses.

Cambridge: Three - one to mix the martinis, one to call the
electrician and one to call daddy to pay for the bill.

Cardiff: None - instructions on packet are in Welsh and everyone is
too busy shagging sheep to worry about lightbulbs.

Coventry: Two - One to take the bulb out and another to glass a
random stranger's face with it.

DeMontfort: Seven - Two to change the bulb and five to write an
interpretive modern drama about the experience.

Glasgow None of your f***ing business!

Leeds: Three - One to change it and two to find a way to get high off
the old bulb.

Leicester: Four - One to change the bulb and three to complain
bitterly that it wouldn't have been allowed to happen at Oxbridge, so
please give us some funding. Please.

Liverpool: Only one, but he gets 10 course credits for doing it.

LSE: 84 - As follows:

2 People - Preliminary discussion of concept change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasibility study and timetable of events.
2 People - Research existing business methods used throughout the
illuminations industry.
1 Person - Maintain ISO standards throughout the analysis.
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb financial value regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Report to Utilities Commission.
1 Person - Research from accepted user database. (Did they want
incandescent
when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point product?)
5 People - Perform full compatibility/architecture study.
3 People - Ensure form (round/square, clear/frosted) follows function
(wattage, 120/140 volts, visible/ultraviolet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
(!?) existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
10 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split.
1 Person - Interface with Utilities Commission quality assurance
group.
1 Person - Interview local distribution centres to obtain statistics
on light bulb usage around London.
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
1 Person - Review problems with BPR system.
11 People - Write a full report justifying the expenses outlined
above, and explaining how the six month lead time on research
delivery was marginally less than expected.
1 Person - Receive all credit for entire activity and also huge grant
from local businesses. This person has to be a lecturer or post-grad.

Newcastle: Eight - One to find a
red 'Fireglow' bulb, one to mount it near the window and the other
six to wait inside.

Nottingham: 46.
One to pick and change the bulb.
25 to find out where in their huge campus it needs to be.
20 to write about how the introduction of Scouts would be a brilliant
and individual idea and how original it would be (thus separating
them from their unfortunate counterparts that managed to get in to
Oxbridge).

Oxford: change? change?? CHANGE???????? Ok, let's do it in 300 years.

Oxford Brookes: Five - One to take the bulb out and four to stick
their fingers in the socket.

Paisley: Between three and ten, depending on how far through the term
it is, to club together their remaining funds to purchase a new light
bulb.

Plymouth: Six - One to change it and five to campaign to make light
bulb changing a new degree subject.

Pontypridd: Ten - One to buy the light bulb and nine to petition for
the eventual electrification of Pontypridd.

Reading: Three - One to pull the bulb out and two to complain when
the socket and ceiling come down with it through dry rot.

Salford: 16 - one to change the lightbulb and 15 others to keep
scallies from beating the s**t out of the first one.

Sheffield: 51 - one to change the bulb and 50 to sit around saying
they were well clever enough to change it but they couldn't be
bothered.

UCL: Two - One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he
did it as well as an Oxbridge student.

UMIST: Five - One to design a nuclear powered light bulb that never
needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Greater
Manchester using said light bulb, two to install it, and one to write
the computer program that controls the wall switch.

UNL: Nobody Knows - The light bulbs stay with North London U. longer
than the students.

Warwick: 76 - One to change the light bulb, 50 to protest the light
bulb's right to not change, and 25 to hold a counter protest allowing
for permissible change in light bulbs, as long as the light bulbs
accept it.

York: Three - One to change the bulb and one to check his maths
coursework.

And finally - Imperial: Eight - It's not that one isn't smart enough
to do it, it's just that they're all violently twitching from too
much stress to achieve coordinated movement.